Robin Plays Matchmaker!
by ThEmAnIntheClOseT
Summary: Robin is recruited by Sumia to pair the Shepherds together before the war with the Valmese! Series begins just before Chapter 14 in the story and just after Lucina is recruited. No child characters are present yet (except Lucina of course), and there are spoilers! Rating is T because of jokes. :D
1. Prologue

_Hello, Everyone! Thanks for being here and reading my **FIRST** fanfiction ever! I hope you like this and, if you do, drop a favorite and write a review! All criticisms and advice are appreciated and, if you have a favorite pairing, PM me or write it in a review! Thanks and enjoy the Prologue!_

* * *

"No! No! A thousand times no!" Robin exclaimed exasperatedly.

"But, Robin!" Sumia whined and flashed her wedding ring. "You helped Chrom and me!"

"That's because Chrom ordered me to do it, and he's the king!" Robin explained. "What you're asking me to do is morally wrong on so many levels!"

Sumia's stance widened and she brought up a list of people that she had paired together. "These Shepherds belong together! They must be shipped!"

Robin sighed and took a step back. Once Sumia had met her own child from the future and learned that the other Shepherds would also get married and have children, she became obsessed with trying to predict who would marry who. Now, she was trying to get Robin to play matchmaker and use his tactical mind to bring people together.

"Look, Sumia. What you're asking me to do is an invasion of these people's privacy and a huge breach of trust. I can't just manipulate people's social lives by sending them into battle together!" Robin shouted and waved his arms in the air for emphasis. "Besides, I'm not a matchmaker—I'm a tactician!"

Sumia sensed that her argument was losing and assumed what she believed was an air of authority as a queen. In reality, however, she really just looked silly. "Oh yeah? Well… I can fire you!" She retorted breathlessly.

Robin raised his eyebrows at the futile gesture. "Really? You would fire me in the middle of a war with the greatest military threat this country has ever known even though we're simultaneously preparing for battle with an evil dragon intent on destroying the world?"

Sumia felt her case crumble and played her trump card. "So you would condemn everyone to a life as lonely as yours?" His back stiffened as the insult hit home and he drew breath in shakily. Being a naturally caring person, Sumia instantly felt remorseful and changed to a calming and reassuring tone. "I know why you cry at night. I know why you're so grumpy, sarcastic, snarky, grouchy, grumpy, grouchy, and mean. It's because you don't have anyone—anyone to share the day with, anyone to talk to, anyone to be intimate with, anyone to have—"

"I get it!" Robin interjected. "Fine. I'll help you ship these people." Sumia's face lit up again. "On one condition! I control how these people interact. This isn't going to be like one of those stupid romance stories that you're always reading. These are people's lives and we will respect them as such."

Sumia beamed at him and he felt his cheeks lift ever so slightly. "Thanks, Robin! You don't know how much this means to me!" As she exited the room, she turned back to him again and added, "We could also help you find someone too! I hope someone will see just how kind and generous you are!"

She walked out of the study, skipped happily down the hallway, and tripped down the stairs. Robin looked out the window and spotted the girl he loved in the barracks down below. "You and me both, Sumia. You and me both."


	2. Gaius and Maribelle

_Hi, Everyone! I'm back and I'm super sorry I'm releasing this late! I know I promised I'd release it yesterday but I was super busy. Oh well. Its 1:40 A.M. right now so I guess that's close enough._

* * *

"With all due respect, Queen Sumia, this pairing is crap."

"Hey!"

"I mean, seriously? Gaius and Maribelle? The down-and-dirty thief and the snooty noble? They're doomed! And you forgot the crucial factor that is her hatred for him! SHE—HATES—HIM!" Robin dragged out and shouted his words to the queen for emphasis.

"They're perfect for each other! His devil-may-care attitude totally loosens her uptight exterior!" Sumia shot back.

"It would," Robin admitted, "if only Gaius hadn't framed her dad for his crime and almost gotten him killed!"

"Neither you nor Maribelle know the real story! Lissa told me that Duke Themis's secretary blackmailed Gaius to do it and then Gaius wrote letters saving both the Duke and his daughter!"

Robin rolled his eyes to the ceiling and brought them back down with exasperation. "Of course you heard from Lissa. Although, you do pose a fair point. If we could just get them to talk without Maribelle strangling him, we might have a chance."

"Really? I was so sure you'd be dead set against it!"

"You're not inspiring loads of confidence in me, Sumia."

* * *

"I don't see how any of this is going to help my situation," Gaius moped.

"And giving up on my plan will?" Robin quipped. In a totally cliché turn of events, Gaius confided in Robin that he had a long lasting crush on Maribelle. What Gaius saw in her, Robin couldn't really see, but Robin wasn't really in a position to judge anyway.

"Why are you helping me win her over anyway? I thought you hated Maribelle." Gaius's face scrunched up as if trying to guess Robin's ulterior motive.

"Blame Sumia. She roped me into one of her hopeless antics to bring romance to the Shepherds." Gaius shot a disbelieving look. "The way I see it, I'm strengthening the invisible bonds that tie us together in battle. Just think about how much more efficient you'll be when you have a girlfriend to fight for! Besides, I don't hate Maribelle. I find her very disagreeable."

The orange-headed thief simply shrugged. "Whatever your true motives are, Robin, thank you. This means a lot to me."

The thief's rather ironic sincerity was so unexpected that it took Robin a few seconds to actually comprehend the feeling. He wasn't sure what to expect when he messed with people's love lives and he definitely wasn't expecting gratitude. Nonetheless, the sentiment wasn't lost on the tactician and he returned it with a warm handshake.

"You better get changed," Robin said. "Maribelle's going to be here soon."

At that moment, Ricken returned with the two tuxedos that Robin had ordered from the tailor. Robin signaled to Gaius to get changed because Robin knew that, although charming, Gaius would never stand a chance of winning over Maribelle if he continued to look and act like a slob. Gaius was a nice person under all of his nicknames and sarcasm, but Maribelle tended to judge based on appearance before ever taking into account a person's personality. Besides, Gaius would have to convey to Maribelle that he actually cared about his appearance if he was ever going to care about her. As a result, Robin called in quite a few favors in order to enhance the thief's appearance.

* * *

"Queen Sumia? Are you in here?" Maribelle's voice reverberated off of the walls in the castle pantry that she and Gaius were standing in. Of course, Gaius was hiding in the shadows so she assumed she was all alone. She walked into the center of the room and spotted a small table draped with a white cloth. At its sides were two wicker woven chairs and on top of it lay a lit candelabra, two settings, and a vase of freshly picked wildflowers. "What lovely flowers!" Maribelle exclaimed. Robin had scoured the meadows all morning for colorful flowers that really popped. It was back-breaking labor to bend over each and every flower, but the hardest part of the job was keeping Sumia from tearing them apart.

"I'm glad you like them," Gaius said. He stepped out of his place in the shadows and, as Maribelle recognized him, the atmosphere in the room got considerably heavier. "Queen Sumia sends her regards. She's a little bit busy at the moment."

"Good evening, Gaius," Maribelle replied curtly. Her distaste for the man who had almost gotten her father murdered became more apparent with every passing moment.

"Good evening, Twinkles. Care to join me for dinner?" If he had at all noticed Maribelle's sudden coldness it didn't show on his outward appearance. He nonchalantly pulled up a chair and Maribelle reluctantly sat down.

"Queen Sumia said she had something to tell me," Maribelle began.

"Stumbles told me to tell you instead. She's preoccupied," Gaius continued. "Dinner should be almost ready. Ricken?"

The adolescent mage hurried out in his own tuxedo, carrying a large tray with a plate of chopped squid. "First course! It's been waiting in the kitchen for a while so, uh… ELFIRE!" The teenager set down the plate swiftly, pulled out his tome, and conjured a column of fire under the plate, instantly frying it. "I call it _Calamari Flambé!_ " Ricken exclaimed.

Tentatively at first, Gaius and Maribelle each took a piece of calamari, not wanting to hurt Ricken's feelings. While unprecedented, Gaius thought that Ricken's little experiment tasted wonderful. _We should just eat this fried all the time!_ he thought. He shot a quick glance at Maribelle to see if she felt the same, and, to his surprise, she was also smiling.

"Okay," Gaius began, "let's start this story!" Maribelle straightened up in her seat again and brought her attention to the thief, now prepared to suffer through whatever he was planning. "I was just a random deadbeat living in Themis. A little bit faster than other orphans, but yeah, totally ordinary. One day, I was hungrier than usual and I got the terrible idea of robbing the royal treasury. I memorized guard patterns, planned entrances and exits, and even made up an alibi. Anyway, I got cocky and got caught and, because I didn't want them to cut off my hands, I was sentenced to ten years in the slammer. As far as prisons go, I suppose it wasn't so bad. I mean, it was dirty but at least I had a cot, constant food, and a roof over my head. Then one day this fancy-dressed man in blue walked over to my cell and told me that if I blamed the duke, then I'd be pardoned."

Maribelle's stare hardened on Gaius's face but otherwise she remained quiet.

"Naturally, I was suspicious. I hadn't been in that cell for ten days and suddenly a man comes along and offers reprieve? And why blame the Duke? That man has done nothing but help the people under him since he took office! So anyway, I refused, but the man didn't like that. He threatened me, but I didn't care, so he threatened the duke and his family." At this, Maribelle's eyes widened in shock as she realized she would have been a target. "I…. I couldn't allow that to happen, so I testified in court that your father hired me to rob the treasury. The man forged some evidence and somehow got me pardoned on the premise that I was just a desperate man looking for food. As soon as I got out, I sent two letters: one to warn the duke and the other to tell the judge what had happened. Then I just…disappeared."

Maribelle remained silent throughout the entire monologue. Her head was bowed low, staring at her squid. "I already knew that. Queen Sumia told me before I got here. She probably knew I wouldn't just take your word for it, but now I know." Maribelle raised her head to look at Gaius in the eyes. "You're a remarkable man, Gaius. It's not your fault you were born into such a situation, I am very glad you have the decency to take responsibility for it. Your letters saved our lives and helped uncover a conspiracy against him. On behalf of my entire family, thank you."

"Main course is ready!" Ricken shouted, echoing off the walls.

The next few hours passed as a blur to Gaius. Of course, he would never tell Maribelle that he had forgotten possibly the most important conversation in their relationship, but he was really in a daze for most of it. They talked about a variety of things including favorite foods, the weather, politics, the pressures of society, and whatnot. The next few days saw an almost exponential increase in the time the pair spent together. From tea parties to battles to dates by the ocean, they became practically inseparable.

* * *

"I told you we could pull it off you doubting… uh… doubter!"

"So? They were clearly both already attracted to each other. All we did was create a scenario."

"Well? They would have never have ever gotten together if we hadn't!"

"You don't know that."

"You know, you're actually right for once. I'm sure love would've found a way!"

"You're so full of it, it almost hurts to talk to you."

"I know! It's a nice feeling!"

"Okay, just, who's next?"

"Oooh! This is one of my favorites!"

* * *

 **A/N** I don't like this chapter for so many reasons. First and foremost is that I wish I had more dialogue between Gaius and Maribelle. I may edit this in the future but just know that this is the second draft I wrote. The first one was way worse and, in a humor fanfiction, had no humor. You basically just had Gaius suffering through Maribelle breathing icy fire until hell froze over. Anyway, I hope you liked this funnier, if still flawed version! Please keep in mind this is my first fanfiction and I have no experience whatsoever.

Regardless, all reviews and criticisms are appreciated, read, and responded to. Thanks!

Next up: Virion and Frederick!

Edit: I just realized that guest-submitted reviews have to be approved and then can't be PM'd, so I'll just do it here. I hope this addresses some questions that other readers have too.

First Guest (Sorry! They have no usernames!): I'm glad you like the story! I also totally feel like RobinXTharja and RobinXLucina are totally overdone. Not only do I want to set myself apart from **all of the masses** but I can never marry Lucina for the life of me. Marrying a toddler is one thing. Marrying my best friend and employer's toddler is quite another. I know that through time travel she's an adult, but the idea gives me shivers. I find the idea really entertaining, but I just won't write about that. Oh and Tharja creeps me out. Sorry. Oh and Nowi is already planned. It's okay, I'll make it fun.

Second Guest: As I just said up there /\, you can definitely count on Robin not marrying a Gen 2 character. I'm glad you like it!

Third Guest: Does nobody else truly appreciate the Vaike!Gerome? He's so strong it's crazy. However, I think their personalities don't actually match so you can probably count on that not happening. Probably. *Wink* Oh and uh... the reference. It's Valkyria Chronicles right? My friend plays it.

Fourth Guest: Prepare for a Morgan storm. You have been warned. _Morgan is Coming._

Edit (Again): I've also decided that I'm going to write another comedy fanfiction along the lines of a crossover. I'll take ideas from movies or whatever and then insert Fire Emblem characters for hilarious purposes. Look for that.


	3. Virion and Frederick

_So I just felt that, since I released Gaius and Maribelle late and it wasn't as much fun as I was hoping it'd be, I would release Virion and Frederick today. So anyway, here we go!_

* * *

"It's just…" Frederick began, "I feel as if nobody appreciates the work that I do for the Shepherds. I pour my heart and soul into tasks such as clearing the path for marches and inspecting weapons. But do I ever receive gratitude? Never!" The armored knight shifted uncomfortably in his chair and threw up his arms in exasperation.

"I appreciate what you do, Sir Frederick."

"Thank you, Lord Virion. Your companionship is most valuable. I often feel as if I would just roll over and die one day and nobody would miss me."

"Come now, good sir! A knight of your caliber should never be heard saying such things! Why, you are a ray of sunshine in what otherwise would be my dark and dreary life! I believe that without you, I would be a truly lost person."

Frederick's eyes retained their downcast look as he looked he cast them down to the table they were sitting at.

"What I mean to say, Sir Knight, is that you complete me. As a soldier, I value you above all else. As a man, I feel as if you were sent as an angel from Naga herself to me! I… I love you Frederick."

Frederick finally met Virion's steady gaze. Shock and confusion were written all over his face. "M-m-milord?" he stammered.

"I find your aptitude for work, your determination to help the Shepherds, and your strength of character incredibly attractive. You make all others seem woefully inadequate—they are all like limp floozies compared to you."

Silence hung in the air for several moments as Virion let his confession sink in. Finally, Frederick broke it, exclaiming, "I've loved you for so long! Ever since I met you, I realized that all I wanted to do was to serve at your side. As your vassal and… as your lover."

Overcome with joy, Virion couldn't help himself from exclaiming in response. "Freddy!"

"Virion!"

The two men drew each other into a fierce embrace and began sobbing uncontrollably. Frederick began crying and Virion wiped his tears away.

"No more tears, my love. Tonight we celebrate!"

Both men began ripping off articles of clothing after that. Virion helped Frederick out of his armor and was just about to take his pants off when—

"Sumia! Wake up!" Robin's loud and irritated voice shook her out of her fantasy. "What were you doing? I've been yelling to you for the last five minutes!"

Queen Sumia, having recovered from her daydream, turned her attention back to the silver-haired tactician in front of her. _I wonder why his hair is so white_ , she thought. _Maybe it's because he's so stressed all the time_. "Sorry, Robin, what is it?"

Robin, now looking quite put out, put on his best apprehensive face, as if he were reprimanding a child. "Chrom wants your opinion on a matter. I don't think he wants you to go to Valm with us."

"Well that's not fair!" the queen exclaimed. "What does he expect me to do here? Sit at home and get fat while he's saving the world? Does he want me to wait patiently for him as I cook dinner too? Ha!"

Sumia shrugged on a jacket embroidered with the Ylissean crest and prepared to head downstairs. "Sumia? What are you doing?" Robin asked tentatively.

"I… am going to give that man a piece of my mind!" With great effort, she heaved herself out of bed and sat down again to catch her breath. She had only just recently given birth to Lucina and Robin found it amazing that she was up and about already. "Hold on, Chrom! Don't leave without me!"

Robin turned around to stop her before she tripped down the stairs, but it was too late. She was already falling.

* * *

 **A/N** Ahh... That felt so much easier to write than Gaius and Maribelle! Anyway, I hope you guys liked this one better than the last chapter!

Reviews!

Lord Destroyer: Don't worry, I'm totally not going to marry Robin to Miss Creep, Pedo-bait, or the transgender knight. Also, count on NowiXRicken. They have totally complimentary attitudes towards age vs. appearance IMO, so they're perfect for each other.

Anyways, thanks for reading this chapter and, if you like it, drop a review, favorite, PM, or some helpful constructive criticism. If you have a favorite pairing, suggest it in a review because I unfortunately can't read minds. :D

Thank you!


	4. RPM Update!

RPM Update! Hi everyone! This is, as you've probably guessed just a quick update for me to address you guys before I release Chapter 3!

 _ **If you just want to read the story or you really don't care what I'm about to say, just skip on over to the next chapter!**_

 **First order of business** : It has come to my attention that you guys have been writing lots of reviews. I'm super duper glad you guys are taking time out of your days to write these reviews, and I know that I said you could request your favorite pairings, but I think that the review page is getting clogged with pairing requests.

As a result, I have created a rather messy poll on my account page for you guys to request your pairings there. Rules are on the poll page, but you should know that I have omitted a few characters.

Some of them have been paired already, some have been planned already, and others, such as Anna, Say'ri, Tiki, or Spotpass characters, can only marry Avatar, who has been planned already. I may decide to pair these characters in the future with others like themselves, but I'll only do that after the children.

 **Second order of business** : I've decided that, instead of doing disjointed oneshots of all of the pairings in the series, I'm going to make the story much more linear and actually tie into events in-game. Some of my reasons for this being that: One, the game has a great story line; Two, I can't actually pair some characters until I've recruited them, and, for example, I don't recruit Cherche until Port Ferox.

This is why I'm writing Chapter 3 right now, and it's going to continue what I ended with in VirionXFrederick.

 **Final order of business: Reviews!**

Lord Destroyer: I'm glad that I scared you VirionXFrederick, and I had a lot of fun writing it! Honestly, the entire chapter was kind of a throwaway idea that I had earlier. I figured that, seeing as GaiusXMaribelle wasn't funny at all, I'd better write something funny or risk losing readers. _**Oh, and, if I do have gay or lesbian readers, please know that I'm not making fun of you. That was not my intention at all and I don't mean to hurt your feelings.**_

Back to the review, I chose RickenXNowi mostly because I thought I found a really funny idea while brainstorming. My only hint to you will be Nowi's clothing. Expect it after Chapter 3! Also, KellamXOlivia isn't a bad idea. I had no other plan for them previously and, I'll admit, the supports were pretty bomb. I'll certainly take that into consideration.

LiamReyas: I'm totally glad that you appreciate the ridiculousness of my ridiculously ridiculous chapter. I was absolutely going for over the top absurdity, and I'm glad that you understood it.

I'm going to be totally honest and say that I have not planned at all for how Robin is going to hook up with his girl. Sumia manipulating Robin and then Robin catching on has a ton of possibilities, and I think I'm already getting attached to a few. Thanks for the idea!

Never thought about GregorXTharja, but I will look into it. Count on ChercheXLon'qu with surprising amounts of the Vaike. **_Enter the Vaike!_**

I have already planned Robin's girl, so, although I appreciate your suggestions, I don't want to say anything more and risk spoilers. Also, I don't have plans for Sully, Miriel, or Panne, so I'm still open to suggestions. Finally, I'm glad you like the story. I hope can continue to deliver good quality material.

Finally, XXX-Rated: (Sigh) My first negative review. You know, man, just because I disagree with you about pairings doesn't make me wrong. Opinions can't actually be right or wrong because they're subjective to a person's point of view. Hence **Opinion**. In conjunction with this, I'd be lying if I said my opinion of you was a positive one. Also, profanity and rudeness are not allowed on my page, so you've been reported and blocked.

On that happy note, I hope that everyone likes this story and appreciates that it is a work of fiction. I appreciate all comments, reviews, and all criticisms that can help me make the story better.

Next up: Chapter 3, SumiaXChrom


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